My Husband's Birthday and a Personal Note on Family

My beloved will be turning 30 on January 27th, and I cant believe how fast time flies, especially when your having fun ;) We had a small party for him at his parents house this past weekend and many of our old friends came over to reminisce! We have all known each other for at least 14 years and it is amazing to see how everyone has changed and gotten older ;) and that includes us! We have been through so much together and I am thankful that our relationship continues to be exciting and keeps growing stronger. My husband and I were very young when we got together and we never really discussed having a family or and dreams we had for ourselves or each other, we pretty much just went with the flow. With time, we have learned so much from each other and throughout the years we have created goals and dreams of how we want to live and raise our family. The other night we just sat in awe looking at our four children playing, laughing, smiling and having a good time together, after a minute we looked at each other and realized "this is the life we were meant to have".

Co-Sleeping Mama

Co-Sleeping

Ok, so I am a co-sleeping mama and I love it! BUT since my youngest was born we have been sleeping with both her and lil J in our bed and although it is a king size, it’s not nearly big enough for the four of us. It’s totally unfair for me because I always end up with one leg hanging off the bed while everyone else is laid out however they please. SO, this past weekend I made my hubby set up the convertible crib (which none of my kids really used) into a toddler bed; from the beginning we told lil J that this was going to be his big boy bed and if he didn’t want it we could give it to his baby sister , well that always works because he hates to give her anything! The first night, he was ok until we turned off all the lights and then he was like “ok the games over mom, scoot over”; so last night we decided to wait until he fell asleep to turn off the lights and sure enough he fell asleep. Unfortunately, when he woke up to go potty during the night he got scared and wanted to come into our bed which was ok with me because we are making some kind of progress right? I'm hoping that each night gets better so that eventually we can switch him to his bedroom and transition the baby into the convertible crib (wishful thinking?). I LOVE sleeping with my babies, it gives me peace of mind and I think it helps me bond with them more, especially since I work outside the home but my oldest 2 slept with us until they were 4-5 years old and I definitely don’t want that to happen again!

My dilemma: SAHM or WOHM

I will start this by saying that I don’t think either of the two situations is better than the other; all parents have a unique set of circumstances that drive them to choose one over the other, and I genuinely believe that in the end we make the “right” decision for our families. That said, my only experience as a SAHM (stay at home mom) has been when I gave birth to my first child in 1997, I was home with her for approximately 6-7 months and unfortunately “had” to work due to our financial situation. Since then I have been home for a couple months at a time after giving birth to my subsequent children, and my return to work after maternity leave has been more difficult each time. In theory, I would LOVE to be home with my children, and do all the things SAHM’s do, like going on field trips, participating in school events, driving everyone to soccer practice, having dinner ready every night, scrapbooking (I have tons of scrapbooking materials sitting in a box in the garage) and everything else you can do as a SAHM! My dilemma lies in not having the financial resources to do all the “other” things I would like my family to experience, I love taking trips to Disney and Mexico every year, eating out at nice fancy restaurants, going shopping when one of my girls has a really bad day at school etc.; and then there are the things I don’t want to give up, like Starbucks, shopping, shopping, and shopping! I know, it’s all me and I’m selfish but I can’t help it and honestly, I don’t know if we could make it financially even without the extras I listed above. I’m jealous of those whose spouses are rolling in the big bucks so they don’t have to work, unfortunately for me that’s not going to happen anytime soon. I don’t blame my husband; I have just become accustomed to a somewhat materialistic lifestyle that I know I shouldn't have. Every time I’m on maternity leave I try to live like a SAHM to see if I can handle it, but I end up spending way much more because I have more time to eat out, shop and just spend! Seriously, I would LOVE to be home with my children, but I also like being independent, feeling accomplished, and having a job that I LOVE. I torment myself everyday for making the decision to continue to work and maybe one day I will eventually decide to be a SAHM but for now I just pray that this won’t be one of the things I regret most in life.

Graduate School

Every day I think I am doing too much by trying to obtain a graduate degree, hence my blog introduction saying I want it all without sacrifices??? I'm not sure that is possible but I will keep trying as long I don't compromise too much of my family time; how much is too much? I don't know but I think (hope) I will know when it happens. I obtained my undergraduate degree in Business in 2004 and I began working on my graduate degree in January of 2007 but have had breaks and changes of degree in between so it is taking me far longer than I anticipated. This semester I will be taking 2 courses, Introduction to English Language and Medieval Literature but have promised myself that if I stress too much or the courses take up more time than anticipated I will just drop. I would usually freak out by the thought of failing or dropping a course but with time I have learned that I cannot do everything and its OK if I have to retake a course. Depending on how I do this semester, I will decide if I want to continue with my graduate degree, it is not worth neglecting my family or loosing my mind!

My Tubal Reversal Research

Ever since I had my tubal ligation (12/08/2007) I have been researching a tubal reversal. I have been very fortunate to find heaps of information online about the procedure and outcomes as well as meeting many amazing women who have been blessed with the opportunity to have more children after a reversal.
One of the first things I did after my tubal was obtain my operative report, there it indicated what type of tubal ligation procedure I had (parkland method). There are several types of procedures for a tubal ligation which are described in great detail at Dr. Berger's website (http://www.tubal-reversal.net/tubal_ligation_fallopian_tube.htm). Your possibility of becoming pregnant after a tubal reversal will depend on which type of procedure you had. Once I obtained my report I submitted it to the Dr. I would like to have perform my tubal reversal surgery (If I actually decide to have one) and received the great news that I was a perfect candidate for a tubal reversal based on my medical records and age. There are different types of tubal reversal surgery's and many doctors perform them all over the world, below are a few of the websites that I found helpful during my journey:

http://www.tubal-reversal.net/
http://www.riobravoreversal.com/
http://www.rosenfeldmd.com/
http://www.tubalreversalexperts.com/

Again, these are just a couple of the many websites with information on tubal reversals and out of all the websites that I found, there is one that stood out for their dedication and detailed information regarding reversals : fittobeuntied.com. I highly recommend visiting them if you have tubal ligation regret, they have a support forum where you can find almost anything you need to know regarding a reversal, as well as follow along the journeys of many outstanding ladies who are going to or have had one. You cant help but to feel hope and excitement every time a new pregnancy is announced on their forums!

Why I want a tubal reversal

I said I would go into more detail about this in my New Year’s resolution post so here goes nothing!
I will begin with just a little bit of background. I had a c-section with my first child in 1997 due to breech presentation, but then went on to have 2 successful VBAC’s (vaginal delivery after c-section) in 1999 and 2005. Unfortunately, I had a really hard time finding a doctor to attempt a VBAC during my last pregnancy and although I ended up finding one, he chickened out and didn’t tell me until my 39 week appt! Needless to say, I wasn’t able to find another doctor to attempt a VBAC and ended up having a repeat c-section. My first thought’s after finding out I had to have another c-section were "NOOOOOO, WHY????????, WTFFFF, and then after a good nights rest they were F%$# and B@&*&!!!!!!!!!!! I was PISSED and considered not showing up for the surgery but they pulled a fast one on me and convinced my husband that my anemia, and low blood sugar (which I had no issues with during the entire pregnancy) were becoming a problem and told him I had to be delivered ASAP, and since you cannot induce a VBAC patient my poor hubby fell for it. For those of you who have only experienced vaginal births, let me tell you how fortunate you are! Having a c-section has been one of the worst experiences of my life, and I don’t just mean it because it’s a major abdominal surgery and it hurts like hell, but because my heart hurt much more than surgery itself afterwards. One of the greatest joys for a mother is to be able to give birth to your child the way nature intended and not being able to birth naturally somehow makes me feel like a failure. OK, I got sidetracked for a moment there, can you tell it still bothers me?????
So, once I was FORCED to have a c-section I decided that I didn’t want to ever have one again and thought the easy solution was to have a tubal ligation since they were already going to cut me open. I can honestly say today that having a tubal ligation was the biggest mistake of my life! I regretted it the moment I came out of the delivery room and ended up having to battle postpartum depression for several months. It is hard to explain just how I feel because of the tubal, so I will say what many other women in similar situations have said to me " I just don’t feel whole", I feel like im less of a woman. Also, there is that possibility of wanting more babies later in my life ( I know my husband would love more). The second part of my regret stems from my religious background, and that’s all I will say about that! I don’t know if I will want more children in the future, but I do know that I want to have the option if I choose to do so, and most importantly I want to feel "whole" again!

Just a little bit about my family

My husband J and I are kind of like high school sweet-hearts except we went to different high schools. We met my freshman year of high school through a mutual friend and have been inseparable ever since. I work full-time for a municipality here in town and my husband who is currently laid-off works in construction. We have 4 wonderful children that we LOVE so very much. Le, just turned 11 on November 24th and its amazing how much she has grown up this past year, she doesn’t play with dolls anymore and she “cant wait to be a teenager”. She is a shy, quiet girl and a book worm who loves books from collections like goosebumps, babysittersclub, and junie b. jones. Steph will turn 10 on February 16th, she is another story! She is a diva, has lots of friends in and out of school, loves to play outside, dance, sing and has a bad attitude. I predict she is going to give us gray hairs in a couple years. lil J turned 3 on October 27th and he is my only little guy and I cant imagine my life without him. He is at the age were everything he says just melts my heart, he is kind and sweet and loves Spongebob and his Nintendo DS. Last but not least, is My baby girl who just turned 1 on December 8th. She has an attitude like her big sister Step and that scares me and daddy! Since daddy is not working, he has been taking care of the kids and the baby is stuck to him like glue. She is such a happy baby and looking at her big cheesy smile and big brown eyes makes me so sad to think that I might not be having any more children of my own.

New Year's Resolutions

I haven’t made any New Years resolutions in a really long time (6-8 years), mainly because I tend to never follow through and it bothers me. This year I asked myself why it’s been so difficult for me to keep my New Years commitments? I think it’s because at the beginning of every year I get excited about all the things I want to do and accomplish and feel like “Wonder Woman” and that I can do anything I set my heart to. Well, I still think I can do anything I set my heart to, but maybe not all in one year! So, this year I decided to create a list of my resolutions and what better than to post them here so I have a greater possibility of sticking to them? I also decided to be more realistic about what I want to accomplish, and not push myself so much to try and be the perfect wife, mom and employee.

Here are my 2009 New Year’s resolutions:

Continue my graduate degree program

Exercise 3-4 times a week

Be more patient with my kids and my husband

Stop eating out so much and make dinner more often for my family

Go to church on Sunday’s (I stopped going when my lil guy was born)

Have a tubal reversal (I will go into more detail about this in a separate post ;))


Ok, so there they are! Not too bad ha?

My first post!

I'm so excited! I have been contemplating starting a blog for a while now and for many reasons (which I will list shortly) but I never got around to actually doing it, SO this year I decided to make it one of my New Year's resolutions. Lately I find myself reading blogs online and thinking to myself how I hope my life is as interesting and unique to others as I think some of these bloggers' lives are to me. Besides the reason I just mentioned, my other reasons for starting this blog are:

My experiences as a woman, mother and wife might be helpful to others

It will help me keep focused on my goals and my thoughts organized

Keeping family and friends informed

Having a record of my life, thoughts and emotions

I hope that many years from now I can look back at this blog and say "I was a really unique individual who lived an exciting and fulfilling life"